 God’s Gift of Isaac
The following story may bring some tears of sadness or it may bring some tears of happiness. What I really hope that it does is shed some light of joy on a seemingly dark and frightening subject.
Becoming pregnant was not in my list of things to do, but life took a turn of surprise for me when I found out I was pregnant. I reacted to the little home pregnancy test much like many other women do upon the initial surprise. I stood outside the bathroom totally dumbfounded. I cried. I sobbed. I laughed. I prayed. I was totally and utterly confused. I thought of everything that could possibly make a pregnancy test come out positive without me actually being pregnant. Abortion came to my mind, but I quickly dismissed that as I believe in life. The word adoption went through my head and uncomfortably remained there for awhile. I turned to the first person I could think of for comfort and support. I called my youth pastor’s wife. By the time I went to bed that night, I tried not to think about being pregnant. It was much too scary for me.
I went to work as usual. I went to doctor appointments and ultrasounds. I prayed a lot and I sought counsel from my Pastor, my Pastor’s wife, my best friends, and my Heavenly Father. I felt like God was really poking and prodding at my heart about adoption. I knew that I wanted to do the absolute best I could for my baby. I called an adoption agency and received some information but didn’t follow through. I began to confuse what God was telling me with my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I thought that maybe God was telling me that I was supposed to parent my baby. So, as soon as I found out that I was having a baby boy, I began to buy clothes, bottles, books, baby blankets, and toys. A friend gave me a diaper bag and my grandmother sent me a car seat. I thought I was ready for everything that came along with raising a baby.
Then, God began to gently show me that I was not ready to raise a baby. He showed me first how rocky my finances were. Then he showed me some thing I really did not want to see. I was not ready to raise a baby emotionally nor was I quite mature enough. I love children, but they are easy when you can just return them to their parents. Also, I realized that it was going to be virtually impossible for me to be a mommy, daddy, good guy and bad guy all in one package. I knew that my baby boy deserved to have a father from the beginning; a daddy that he could bond with and go fishing with, a daddy that would buy him baseball cards and teach him to ride a bike. Yes, I could have done all that, but my job as a mommy would be to comfort him when he fell down, to feed him, to love him, and to do what mommy’s do best. However, when I told my baby’s birth dad that I was pregnant, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the baby or me. The birth dad wanted me to have an abortion. I said, “No way!” When he told me that he was not ready to be a dad, I told him that I wasn’t ready to be a mom but that we had made an adult decision to have sex and this was the result. He ended up moving to another part of the country, leaving me with some very difficult decisions to make. I felt so alone.
I began to seek my pastor’s wife’s advice. I wanted her to tell me what to do so I would not have to decide on my own. She said that I needed to make my own decision. She told me about Antioch Adoptions. I met with a counselor from Antioch and looked at profiles of adoptive families. I prayed over each couple asking God for wisdom. One couple seemed to stand out to me.
I ended up meeting two different couples and then choosing the one that stood out to me from the profiles. I met with this couple a few times, and I also met some of their extended family before the birth of my baby. I continued to pray for guidance and wisdom and sought more counsel from my pastor and his wife. I finally made the decision to place my baby boy for adoption when I was 9 months pregnant.
My son was born in September. He was 8 pounds 4 ounces and 21 ½ inches long. He was so beautiful! I had decided before I went to the hospital that I wanted his adoptive mom and dad to hold him before he was a day old. Letting them hold him was just about the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried a lot, but I also had a sense of peace. God was starting to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. My pastor’s wife stayed with me at the hospital, which was a wonderful support. The time I spent with my baby in the hospital was very special; a memory I will never forget. I will never forget the adoptive mom and dad’s faces the first time they held Isaac. I knew that placing Isaac for adoption with this couple was God’s will for my baby as well as his will for my own life due to my circumstances.
My 48 hours with Isaac came to a close rather quickly, much to my dismay. I kept telling Isaac, “I will see you later.” I carried him out of the hospital and began to cry uncontrollably. I sobbed while the adoptive parents put him in their car. I tried to stifle my tears long enough to check him in his car seat and kiss him.
I saw Isaac the following Sunday morning at my church for his dedication ceremony. I had to say, “I will see you later” again, but it was not as hard this time. I have seen him a few times since. He is getting bigger and cuter as each day goes by. It is still emotionally hard a times, but God is healing the pain in my heart. I find comfort in knowing that Isaac’s adoptive parents love him very much and I know that they will care for him the best they can. I also take comfort in the fact that I did what God told me to do. I did His will for my life and my baby’s life.
It is hard sometimes for me to think about what Isaac will say when he is older. Will he be mad at me? Will he hate me? Will he try to understand? Will he want to meet his birth dad? I also worry about what every parent worries about. What if he gets hurt? What if he gets sick? Can I trust the adoptive parents? Will I see him again? Will he love me later in life? Could I have done a better job? When I think that I could have raised Isaac, I remind myself that I made the best decision possible for Isaac at that time. I did not know what the future was going to bring.
From the day I found out I was pregnant, I dedicated Isaac to God. I have said that Isaac was God’s baby and he will always by God’s baby. I will keep on praying for him, knowing that he is doing just fine with his adoptive parents (who I had the privilege of blessing with my child). I find comfort in knowing that God will someday use my situation to help someone else. God has assured me that I am not forgotten nor is my testimony of His incredible love in my life. God blessed me and the adoptive parents with the most incredible gift of a baby boy named Isaac.
- Melissa, a birth mother
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